Dear Human Ken Doll,

Congratulations on creating a permanent glory hole face.  You seemed to be surprised by all the press over your 90+ plastic surgeries.  Then again, maybe that look of surprise is just cosmetic.

I guess we may never know.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ken Doll or Blow Up Doll? Decide for yourself...

Dear One Million Moms,

Please stop hating on Ellen DeGeneres and JC Penney.  We all know you are a group of one million under-cover and/or former college Lesbians.  Save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Really? This is all you have to bitch about?

Dear Macklemore Big Gal,

I love you with ALL my heart!  You took this video from A to A+!  You're my new best friend.  Call me every ten minutes!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to watch her in action! Greatness!

Dear Rihanna,

The Tim Burton hooker look is on the way out.  You heard it here first!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Rihanna at the 2012 Victoria's Secret Show

Dear Wendy Williams,

I'd rather see every animal on Earth turned into a fabulous coat than see you naked.

Sincerely,
DRJ for Christ's Sake

My Eyes!!! MY EYES!!!

Dear Female Musicians,

I just had a conference call with your ass, legs, panties, and coochie.  Going forward, we feel that it would be best for pants to be a regular participant at all meetings.  Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Nicki Minaj,

I like most of your music.  Make no mistake.  I do, however, think you have mistaken popularity for relevance.  You seem to be on this self-proclaimed "Queen" trip right now and uuuuummmmmm babe...you've been on the scene for what, a couple years, three tops???  Let's not change the diaper while you're still shitting in it.  OK?  That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Queen??? Not quite baby girl.

Dear Mitt Romney,

Please let your Republican friends know that this is THE ONLY thing I could find when researching the term "Legitimate Rape". Please click on the image to enhance your viewing experience!

Sincerely, 

DRJ

Dear Florida,

We're still watching you!!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Players,

I know you are all convinced that you are the slickest thing since personal lubricant; but trust me when I say...you really aren't.  I've seen sand-paper at Home Depot that's slicker.  Please get counseling immediately.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Dance Floor Divas,

Get ready to sweat!!!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to listen for free!

Dear Hulk Hogan,

Thank you for being a part of the first sex tape in history that is clinically proven to induce thoughts of suicide.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kill me now please...

Dear Voters,

When you vote for the next President, please keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan now supports Mitt Romney.  Pay no attention to the possibility that she may or may not have been under the influence of an illegal substance when making this endorsement.

Sincerely,
DRJ

What's good for Lindsay is good for America!

Dear Nicki Minaj,

In the words of a woman whose career makes yours look like a Sweet Brown news clip...

"You a mom and pop, I'm a corporation.  I'm a press conference, you a conversation!" ~ Mariah Carey

Please check yourself before Mariah's body guard snatches that dollar store wig!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Nicki takes a wrong turn down Lil' Kim Blvd...see the ghetto mess here!

Dear Mary J. Blige & T-Pain,

You two should save plastic and make just one shitty CD together.

Mary, you are still singing about haters.

T-Pain, you are still auto-tuning about being important.

Dear DRJ can now independently confirm that nobody hates you or thinks you are important.

Please stop.    

Sincerely,
DRJ

Mary's tired re-make...

A T-Painful Mess...

Dear Paris Hilton,

Your statement about most gay guys having AIDS is semi-hilarious coming from someone who's appeared in multiple sex tapes having unprotected sex.  Maybe you should use some of your vast fortune to purchase a clue.  

Sincerely, 

DRJ

P.S. - Go fuck yourself...and don't forget to use a condom!

Read all about this mess here...

Dear Mitt Romney,

Did you really think we wouldn't notice your "Mexican Face" on Univision last night?  Either you just came back from sunning in Aruba or your campaign makeup artist thought this was a sure-fire way to draw in Latino voters.  This is absolute MESS.

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - The Spanish word for fail is... fallar.

Still no immigration answers...

Dear Bicep Guy,

When your arms hinder you from wiping your own ass, you might be doing too much.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Waaaaaaaay too much time...

Dear Lil' Kim,

Pilgrim's Pride just called.  They want their Thanksgiving turkey packaging back.  You look like a 20 pound turkey wrapped in a 2 pound bag!

Sincerely,
DRJ


P.S. - Your fingers make me hungry for those little smokey sausages my mom used to make for breakfast!

This outfit looks a little stressed out. Mess...

Dear Republican Proposal Guy,

You're not doing Republicans or yourself any favors with your glorified Microsoft Power-Point marriage proposal.  Please go to your local shopping mall and purchase some creativity.  Oh, and who kisses their girlfriend's chin after a proposal?

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - Mitt Romney just called.  He want's his dull personality back when you are done with it.

(click here to watch this train wreck)

Dear Brandy,

Thank you for finally dropping a hot song! It was about time you stopped killing people with your car and started killing them with the music.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Listen to Brandy and Chris Brown "Put It Down" Here

Dear Henrik "I'm not really hard" Rummel,

Congratulations!!!!  Oh and good going on winning the bronze medal too.
Call me maybe?!?!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Click it to make it bigger!  LOL

 

Dear Mariah Carey,

I do not appreciate having to watch American Idol but gurl...YOU BETTA CASH THAT CHECK!!!!  Congrats!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Yeah...it's like that y'all. Read about it...

Dear San Diego,

Don't be ashamed by your premature fireworks display.  It happens to men all over the world.  Not anyone I know...but still...

Keep your head up.  HAHAHAHAHA!

Sincerely,
DRJ

At least it was 15 seconds...that's more than some people get. LOL

Dear Madonna,

I Googled the word "unnecessary".  This is the image that popped up...

Madonna dusts off her 500 year old nipple and pulls it out for the crowd.


Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - The blow-up doll look is out.  You heard it here first.  

Dear Canadian Conservation Officials,

You euthanized a bear for eating a serial killer's remains?  You should be supplying this "service animal" with an endless supply of sauteed kitty-cats and puppy-dogs and build him a state-of-the-art den with 430 cable channels and WiFi!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Yearbook Coochie Girl,

Your beaver has not only ruined a yearbook, it has ruined my dinner!

Sincerely,

DRJ

WTF? Read all about it...

Dear Woman Who Eats Rocks,

Ummm...

A. You are eating WAY more than rocks.
B. What the fuck?
C. You work with special needs children?
D. Who's working with YOU?
E. What the fuck?
F.  I'd really hate to be your dentist.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Complicated? Nah... Eat Rocks = Crazy

Dear ESPN,

I don't want to hear about basketball from nerds who never venture outside the house or away from their web-cam.  Sort out your pool of "reporters".

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Bristol Palin,

Please stop criticizing the President of the United States and stick to what you know best, spreading the butter...and your legs.  Nobody is buying your Little Miss Morality routine.  Take a note from your mother's playbook and quit while you're ahead.

Sincerely,
DRJ

The loose girl calling the kettle black.

Dear Nelly Furtado,

There is a fine line between being versatile and being completely lost.  It's time you get a map!

Sincerely,
DRJ

 Big Hoops...Small Direction.

Dear Colombian Secret Service Hooker,

Your life looks about as "ruined" as fresh bread.  It's hard to believe you fear for your family's safety while grinning ear to ear.  Perhaps you should have asked the agents for a nickel to put between your knees.   It's just a thought.

Sincerely,

DRJ

Hooker Hilarity

Dear Tanning Mom,

When you look like a vintage handbag from the 1920's or Yoda's distant cousin, it's time to stop.  You are doing way too much and not enough...all at the same time!

Sincerely,

DRJ

handbag.com/maytheforcebewithyou

Dear North Korea,

I hope these "powerful weapons" you speak of don't rely on a fucking rocket that you put together!  We all know how THAT shit goes.  I think it's best that you stick with what you know best... oppression and starvation of your people.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kim Jong Un-able...

Dear EEOC,

If employer criminal background checks affect minorities disproportionately, then that's probably because they are committing a disproportionate amount of crimes!  If people don't want to get turned down for a job, they should probably stop committing crimes.  Now, there's something that is black and white.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Earlier this year, Pepsico’s Pepsi Beverages unit settled a suit of hiring discrimination related to its criminal background check policies. The company was using arrest records and convictions to deny job applicants positions, but the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission suit charged the practice impacted minority employees disproportionately and as a result was illegal under the nation’s labor laws. REALLY????

Dear Pizza Hut,

Your pizza already induces the mega-squirts.  Was it really necessary to add a hot dog to the crust and offer "mustard drizzle"?  The only thing that will be drizzling after eating this pizza will be our guts.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Bubble-guts...complete with drizzle!

Dear Rick Santorum,

Sarah Palin just called.  She wants to give you pointers on how to make the most of being a loser.

Sincerely,
DRJ


P.S. - The news of your departure makes me feel...well...frothy.

Buh-Bye

Dear Mary J. Blige,

I know you got paid for this...but DAYUM.  Really?  Some things shouldn't be sold...like dignity.  This is a hot ass mess!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Stick a Whopper in it Mary! Good grief!!!

Dear YouTube Cover Artists,

Who knew mediocrity had a sound??!!  Please stop.

Sincerely,
DRJ

www.onedimensional.com/makeitstop

Dear Genius,

If you are going to bitch about your employer, threaten to sue the company, and trash your supervisor, it may be best to do that on a non-company computer.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Clay Aiken,

You're supposed to look BETTER after plastic surgery...not worse!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Before......................After........WTF???

Dear Peachtree City Georgia Residents,

In a land where people seem to have more money than sense, I should remind you that you all are not the masters of the universe.  On a side note...an iPhone 4s should never be used as a teething ring for your future spoiled brat.  I don't care how rich you are.  Please check the sense of entitlement at the golf cart parking lot.  Thanks.

Sincerely,
DRJ

  

Dear Kirk Cameron,

I sure wish your opinions on homosexuality were "Left Behind".  Please stop pretending to be an authority on things you know nothing about.  I think we ALL know the only thing "unnatural"...is your acting.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kirk should stick to his area of expertise...making awful movies.

Dear Rush Limbaugh,

I happen to understand that you are not sorry.  This is what you do.  Your sponsors are the ones who should be sorry...sorry for advertising on your show to begin with.  Your type of approach is what's hurting this nation.  Some people have abandoned intelligent debate in favor of "Rush-style" insults and rhetoric.  Congratulations on being the catalyst for national ignorance.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Women of Facebook,

Nobody...I repeat...NOBODY wants or needs to read about your period or lack thereof on Facebook.  Please get a clue.  Thanks!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Men Who Have Surgery to be Taller,

You should trying having your plastic surgeon attach some bigger balls instead of having your legs surgically broken and then lengthened in an effort to get a dose of self esteem.  Be serious.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Doing WAY too much...

Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,

Ya'll are both fucked up in the head.  You make great music together though.  Keep your hands to yourselves at all times and let your respective body guards beat the shit out of each other!

Sincerely,
DRJ

ummm what will Miranda Lambert say now??? LOL

Dear Karmin,

Thank you for giving me the perfect song to dance to while naked and folding laundry!  Much love!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Listen to the single Brokenhearted here!!!

Dear Christian Drivers,

For those of you with the church bumper-stickers, the stupid little fish, and the general obnoxious christian announcements all over your car, save it!  Everyone knows you hate Jesus and that you're an asshole.  We can tell by the way you drive.  

Sincerely,

DRJ

He probably wouldn't drive like a Satan worshiper.