Dear Rep. Jason Chaffetz,

This...

...is NOT yours to legislate.  

So, stop being a DICK 

and keep your nose out of American vaginas!

Dear Mrs(x4) Davis,

Please see the following text message that I received from your Lord and Savior...

Dear Kim Davis,

Meet Pat - a 51 year old Black lesbian inmate with an abnormally long tongue and a penchant for hot oils and carpentry .  ENJOY and GOD BLESS!!!!!

Dear World,

ENOUGH SAID.

Dear Miley Cyrus,

I'm SO glad you can't stop!  Now, I can't either!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Click here  

to see Miley's amazing SNL performances!

Dear Bradley Manning,

You made the choice to break the law.  That choice had consequences.  Consequences like not being able to embark on your transition to being a woman.  Now, you want taxpayers to foot the bill for your new life.  I don't think so.  Take heart though, I'm guessing after about a year or less in prison, you will have a big, shiny, brand new vagina anyway!

Sincerely,
DRJ

You're fucking joking...right??? Read about this nonsense here!

Dear DEAR Lil' Kim,

Please stop talking about all this money you have.  According to my sources your net worth is around 8 million dollars.  Net worth, meaning...if you sold all the shit you own and got top dollar for it, you'd probably have 8 mil.  So, as far as wealthy rappers go, that places you right around the food stamp vicinity.  Maybe you should change your name to Lil' Bank Account.

Sincerely,
DRJ


P.S. Please stop with the Aretha Franklin style Photoshop.  We ALL know you don't really look like this.

Hear the rap equivalent of wishful thinking here...

Dear Paula Deen,

Not everyone hates you.  Just remember to watch your mouth.  ;-)  Some people aren't evolved enough to realize that none of us are perfect.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Click here to watch my Plantation Style Eggs Recipe in action!

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

I hear you are divorcing your 3rd wife.  I wish someone had told you that usually happens when you marry your daughter.  You should really focus on finding someone more age-appropriate.   I hear the 5th Avenue Hospice is really hoppin'.  Good luck!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Was there ever any doubt???

Dear Roof Jumping Girl,

You stated: "I missed the pool because I hesitated."

I offer this:  "You missed the pool because you're an idiot."

Sincerely,
DRJ

Complete MESS...watch her in action here!

Dear John Boehner,

Yes, close your eyes and you will understand how dark you look to the rest of us.

America: Please join me in congratulating the first African-American Speaker of the House.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Merman,

I'm warning you in advance...

The day that you find yourself balls deep in an alligator's mouth is the day I will never stop laughing.

Sincerely,
DRJ

 See the Meridiot in action...

Dear Michelle Who?,

First of all, let's not make Christianity the fallback career path.  Keep in mind, it didn't work out so well for Victoria Jackson of SNL.  Secondly, if you are going to go on an anti-gay rant, perhaps you should do that in East Texas and not in San Francisco!  Finally, Jesus called and said unto me...

"I have no idea who this bitch is."

Sincerely,
DRJ

Said the giant closet Lesbian...

Dear Cardinals,

Choosing a 76 year old with one lung to replace Pope Benedict XVI is like trading in a Volkswagen with two missing wheels for a unicycle.  This is a shameful way to ensure one of you gets a promotion soon.

Sincerely,
DRJ

  

Dear Kanye West,

Quityerbitchin!!!  I've heard less whining from newborn puppies.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Number 7 is acting like a ZERO...AGAIN!!!

Dear Alicia Keys,

You are starting to make me wish for a literal interpretation of this song.  Please stop this "Girl on Fire" nonsense before I set myself on fire just to get away from hearing it.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Here's my idea for the remix cover art.

Dear Singles,

Embrace something you love today!
Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,
DRJ

Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Just because I look better in your clothes than you do, does not mean I think you should resign!  Please stop being so sensitive!

Sincerely,
DRJ

I created this picture on 

Friday, February 8, 2013.

The Vatican announced 

the Pope's resignation

Monday, February 11, 2013!!!

Coincidence?  I think not!

Creepy prophecy or colossal coincidence? Read about it here!

Dear Michael Phelps,

Looks like you will be doing the backstroke all night long!  Just remember...breathing deeply helps.

Sincerely,
DRJ

See the ultra "friendly" moment here!

Dear Tim McGraw,

Thank you!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Watch the hotness!

Dear Black Chicken Thieves,

The only thing that could make this story worse is if you two had hijacked a watermelon stand too! Please sort out your effing lives!  You make us all look bad.  Ain't nobody got time fuh dat!

Sincerely,

DRJ

 

Who the fuck steals CHICKEN?????

Dear Woman Who Eats Cat Hair,

Congratulations on making the woman who eats rocks look completely normal.  This gives a whole new meaning to eating pussy.

Sincerely,

DRJ

Watch her in action here!

Dear Lunch Birds,

Keep eyeing my food and they will be adding "street chicken" to the damn menu!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear South,

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Taylor Swift,

Give your vag a break and sit your ass down.  I know hookers who date less than you do.

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - You never looked better!  :-)

More dates than a calendar...

Dear Warner Bros.,

I'd rather drink the saline from Dolly's implants while watching Queen Latifah do squat-thrusts than watch Joyful Noise ever again.  That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

  

Dear Kim Kardashian,

So let me get this all straight...

You are still married to one guy...dating another...now you're knocked up.
Congratulations on single-handledly reviving Jerry Springer's career opportunities!

Sincerely,
DRJ

This is SO not a Beyonce and JayZ kind of situation...

Dear Human Ken Doll,

Congratulations on creating a permanent glory hole face.  You seemed to be surprised by all the press over your 90+ plastic surgeries.  Then again, maybe that look of surprise is just cosmetic.

I guess we may never know.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ken Doll or Blow Up Doll? Decide for yourself...

Dear One Million Moms,

Please stop hating on Ellen DeGeneres and JC Penney.  We all know you are a group of one million under-cover and/or former college Lesbians.  Save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Really? This is all you have to bitch about?

Dear Macklemore Big Gal,

I love you with ALL my heart!  You took this video from A to A+!  You're my new best friend.  Call me every ten minutes!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to watch her in action! Greatness!

Dear Rihanna,

The Tim Burton hooker look is on the way out.  You heard it here first!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Rihanna at the 2012 Victoria's Secret Show

Dear Wendy Williams,

I'd rather see every animal on Earth turned into a fabulous coat than see you naked.

Sincerely,
DRJ for Christ's Sake

My Eyes!!! MY EYES!!!

Dear Female Musicians,

I just had a conference call with your ass, legs, panties, and coochie.  Going forward, we feel that it would be best for pants to be a regular participant at all meetings.  Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Nicki Minaj,

I like most of your music.  Make no mistake.  I do, however, think you have mistaken popularity for relevance.  You seem to be on this self-proclaimed "Queen" trip right now and uuuuummmmmm babe...you've been on the scene for what, a couple years, three tops???  Let's not change the diaper while you're still shitting in it.  OK?  That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Queen??? Not quite baby girl.

Dear Mitt Romney,

Please let your Republican friends know that this is THE ONLY thing I could find when researching the term "Legitimate Rape". Please click on the image to enhance your viewing experience!

Sincerely, 

DRJ

Dear Florida,

We're still watching you!!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Players,

I know you are all convinced that you are the slickest thing since personal lubricant; but trust me when I say...you really aren't.  I've seen sand-paper at Home Depot that's slicker.  Please get counseling immediately.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Dance Floor Divas,

Get ready to sweat!!!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to listen for free!

Dear Hulk Hogan,

Thank you for being a part of the first sex tape in history that is clinically proven to induce thoughts of suicide.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kill me now please...

Dear Voters,

When you vote for the next President, please keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan now supports Mitt Romney.  Pay no attention to the possibility that she may or may not have been under the influence of an illegal substance when making this endorsement.

Sincerely,
DRJ

What's good for Lindsay is good for America!