Dear Tim McGraw,

Thank you!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Watch the hotness!

Dear Black Chicken Thieves,

The only thing that could make this story worse is if you two had hijacked a watermelon stand too! Please sort out your effing lives!  You make us all look bad.  Ain't nobody got time fuh dat!

Sincerely,

DRJ

 

Who the fuck steals CHICKEN?????

Dear Woman Who Eats Cat Hair,

Congratulations on making the woman who eats rocks look completely normal.  This gives a whole new meaning to eating pussy.

Sincerely,

DRJ

Watch her in action here!

Dear Lunch Birds,

Keep eyeing my food and they will be adding "street chicken" to the damn menu!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear South,

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Taylor Swift,

Give your vag a break and sit your ass down.  I know hookers who date less than you do.

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - You never looked better!  :-)

More dates than a calendar...

Dear Warner Bros.,

I'd rather drink the saline from Dolly's implants while watching Queen Latifah do squat-thrusts than watch Joyful Noise ever again.  That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

  

Dear Kim Kardashian,

So let me get this all straight...

You are still married to one guy...dating another...now you're knocked up.
Congratulations on single-handledly reviving Jerry Springer's career opportunities!

Sincerely,
DRJ

This is SO not a Beyonce and JayZ kind of situation...

Dear Human Ken Doll,

Congratulations on creating a permanent glory hole face.  You seemed to be surprised by all the press over your 90+ plastic surgeries.  Then again, maybe that look of surprise is just cosmetic.

I guess we may never know.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ken Doll or Blow Up Doll? Decide for yourself...

Dear One Million Moms,

Please stop hating on Ellen DeGeneres and JC Penney.  We all know you are a group of one million under-cover and/or former college Lesbians.  Save your anger for the bedroom, where it belongs!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Really? This is all you have to bitch about?

Dear Macklemore Big Gal,

I love you with ALL my heart!  You took this video from A to A+!  You're my new best friend.  Call me every ten minutes!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to watch her in action! Greatness!

Dear Rihanna,

The Tim Burton hooker look is on the way out.  You heard it here first!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Rihanna at the 2012 Victoria's Secret Show

Dear Wendy Williams,

I'd rather see every animal on Earth turned into a fabulous coat than see you naked.

Sincerely,
DRJ for Christ's Sake

My Eyes!!! MY EYES!!!

Dear Female Musicians,

I just had a conference call with your ass, legs, panties, and coochie.  Going forward, we feel that it would be best for pants to be a regular participant at all meetings.  Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Nicki Minaj,

I like most of your music.  Make no mistake.  I do, however, think you have mistaken popularity for relevance.  You seem to be on this self-proclaimed "Queen" trip right now and uuuuummmmmm babe...you've been on the scene for what, a couple years, three tops???  Let's not change the diaper while you're still shitting in it.  OK?  That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Queen??? Not quite baby girl.

Dear Mitt Romney,

Please let your Republican friends know that this is THE ONLY thing I could find when researching the term "Legitimate Rape". Please click on the image to enhance your viewing experience!

Sincerely, 

DRJ

Dear Florida,

We're still watching you!!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Players,

I know you are all convinced that you are the slickest thing since personal lubricant; but trust me when I say...you really aren't.  I've seen sand-paper at Home Depot that's slicker.  Please get counseling immediately.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Dance Floor Divas,

Get ready to sweat!!!

Sincerely,

DRJ

Click here to listen for free!

Dear Hulk Hogan,

Thank you for being a part of the first sex tape in history that is clinically proven to induce thoughts of suicide.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kill me now please...

Dear Voters,

When you vote for the next President, please keep in mind that Lindsay Lohan now supports Mitt Romney.  Pay no attention to the possibility that she may or may not have been under the influence of an illegal substance when making this endorsement.

Sincerely,
DRJ

What's good for Lindsay is good for America!

Dear Nicki Minaj,

In the words of a woman whose career makes yours look like a Sweet Brown news clip...

"You a mom and pop, I'm a corporation.  I'm a press conference, you a conversation!" ~ Mariah Carey

Please check yourself before Mariah's body guard snatches that dollar store wig!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Nicki takes a wrong turn down Lil' Kim Blvd...see the ghetto mess here!

Dear Mary J. Blige & T-Pain,

You two should save plastic and make just one shitty CD together.

Mary, you are still singing about haters.

T-Pain, you are still auto-tuning about being important.

Dear DRJ can now independently confirm that nobody hates you or thinks you are important.

Please stop.    

Sincerely,
DRJ

Mary's tired re-make...

A T-Painful Mess...

Dear Paris Hilton,

Your statement about most gay guys having AIDS is semi-hilarious coming from someone who's appeared in multiple sex tapes having unprotected sex.  Maybe you should use some of your vast fortune to purchase a clue.  

Sincerely, 

DRJ

P.S. - Go fuck yourself...and don't forget to use a condom!

Read all about this mess here...

Dear Mitt Romney,

Did you really think we wouldn't notice your "Mexican Face" on Univision last night?  Either you just came back from sunning in Aruba or your campaign makeup artist thought this was a sure-fire way to draw in Latino voters.  This is absolute MESS.

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - The Spanish word for fail is... fallar.

Still no immigration answers...

Dear Bicep Guy,

When your arms hinder you from wiping your own ass, you might be doing too much.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Waaaaaaaay too much time...

Dear Lil' Kim,

Pilgrim's Pride just called.  They want their Thanksgiving turkey packaging back.  You look like a 20 pound turkey wrapped in a 2 pound bag!

Sincerely,
DRJ


P.S. - Your fingers make me hungry for those little smokey sausages my mom used to make for breakfast!

This outfit looks a little stressed out. Mess...

Dear Republican Proposal Guy,

You're not doing Republicans or yourself any favors with your glorified Microsoft Power-Point marriage proposal.  Please go to your local shopping mall and purchase some creativity.  Oh, and who kisses their girlfriend's chin after a proposal?

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - Mitt Romney just called.  He want's his dull personality back when you are done with it.

(click here to watch this train wreck)

Dear Brandy,

Thank you for finally dropping a hot song! It was about time you stopped killing people with your car and started killing them with the music.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Listen to Brandy and Chris Brown "Put It Down" Here

Dear Henrik "I'm not really hard" Rummel,

Congratulations!!!!  Oh and good going on winning the bronze medal too.
Call me maybe?!?!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Click it to make it bigger!  LOL

 

Dear Mariah Carey,

I do not appreciate having to watch American Idol but gurl...YOU BETTA CASH THAT CHECK!!!!  Congrats!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Yeah...it's like that y'all. Read about it...

Dear San Diego,

Don't be ashamed by your premature fireworks display.  It happens to men all over the world.  Not anyone I know...but still...

Keep your head up.  HAHAHAHAHA!

Sincerely,
DRJ

At least it was 15 seconds...that's more than some people get. LOL

Dear Madonna,

I Googled the word "unnecessary".  This is the image that popped up...

Madonna dusts off her 500 year old nipple and pulls it out for the crowd.


Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - The blow-up doll look is out.  You heard it here first.  

Dear Canadian Conservation Officials,

You euthanized a bear for eating a serial killer's remains?  You should be supplying this "service animal" with an endless supply of sauteed kitty-cats and puppy-dogs and build him a state-of-the-art den with 430 cable channels and WiFi!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Yearbook Coochie Girl,

Your beaver has not only ruined a yearbook, it has ruined my dinner!

Sincerely,

DRJ

WTF? Read all about it...

Dear Woman Who Eats Rocks,

Ummm...

A. You are eating WAY more than rocks.
B. What the fuck?
C. You work with special needs children?
D. Who's working with YOU?
E. What the fuck?
F.  I'd really hate to be your dentist.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Complicated? Nah... Eat Rocks = Crazy

Dear ESPN,

I don't want to hear about basketball from nerds who never venture outside the house or away from their web-cam.  Sort out your pool of "reporters".

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Bristol Palin,

Please stop criticizing the President of the United States and stick to what you know best, spreading the butter...and your legs.  Nobody is buying your Little Miss Morality routine.  Take a note from your mother's playbook and quit while you're ahead.

Sincerely,
DRJ

The loose girl calling the kettle black.

Dear Nelly Furtado,

There is a fine line between being versatile and being completely lost.  It's time you get a map!

Sincerely,
DRJ

 Big Hoops...Small Direction.

Dear Colombian Secret Service Hooker,

Your life looks about as "ruined" as fresh bread.  It's hard to believe you fear for your family's safety while grinning ear to ear.  Perhaps you should have asked the agents for a nickel to put between your knees.   It's just a thought.

Sincerely,

DRJ

Hooker Hilarity