Dear Republican Proposal Guy,

You're not doing Republicans or yourself any favors with your glorified Microsoft Power-Point marriage proposal.  Please go to your local shopping mall and purchase some creativity.  Oh, and who kisses their girlfriend's chin after a proposal?

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - Mitt Romney just called.  He want's his dull personality back when you are done with it.

(click here to watch this train wreck)

Dear Brandy,

Thank you for finally dropping a hot song! It was about time you stopped killing people with your car and started killing them with the music.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Listen to Brandy and Chris Brown "Put It Down" Here

Dear Henrik "I'm not really hard" Rummel,

Congratulations!!!!  Oh and good going on winning the bronze medal too.
Call me maybe?!?!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Click it to make it bigger!  LOL

 

Dear Mariah Carey,

I do not appreciate having to watch American Idol but gurl...YOU BETTA CASH THAT CHECK!!!!  Congrats!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Yeah...it's like that y'all. Read about it...

Dear San Diego,

Don't be ashamed by your premature fireworks display.  It happens to men all over the world.  Not anyone I know...but still...

Keep your head up.  HAHAHAHAHA!

Sincerely,
DRJ

At least it was 15 seconds...that's more than some people get. LOL

Dear Madonna,

I Googled the word "unnecessary".  This is the image that popped up...

Madonna dusts off her 500 year old nipple and pulls it out for the crowd.


Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - The blow-up doll look is out.  You heard it here first.  

Dear Canadian Conservation Officials,

You euthanized a bear for eating a serial killer's remains?  You should be supplying this "service animal" with an endless supply of sauteed kitty-cats and puppy-dogs and build him a state-of-the-art den with 430 cable channels and WiFi!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Yearbook Coochie Girl,

Your beaver has not only ruined a yearbook, it has ruined my dinner!

Sincerely,

DRJ

WTF? Read all about it...

Dear Woman Who Eats Rocks,

Ummm...

A. You are eating WAY more than rocks.
B. What the fuck?
C. You work with special needs children?
D. Who's working with YOU?
E. What the fuck?
F.  I'd really hate to be your dentist.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Complicated? Nah... Eat Rocks = Crazy

Dear ESPN,

I don't want to hear about basketball from nerds who never venture outside the house or away from their web-cam.  Sort out your pool of "reporters".

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Bristol Palin,

Please stop criticizing the President of the United States and stick to what you know best, spreading the butter...and your legs.  Nobody is buying your Little Miss Morality routine.  Take a note from your mother's playbook and quit while you're ahead.

Sincerely,
DRJ

The loose girl calling the kettle black.

Dear Nelly Furtado,

There is a fine line between being versatile and being completely lost.  It's time you get a map!

Sincerely,
DRJ

 Big Hoops...Small Direction.

Dear Colombian Secret Service Hooker,

Your life looks about as "ruined" as fresh bread.  It's hard to believe you fear for your family's safety while grinning ear to ear.  Perhaps you should have asked the agents for a nickel to put between your knees.   It's just a thought.

Sincerely,

DRJ

Hooker Hilarity

Dear Tanning Mom,

When you look like a vintage handbag from the 1920's or Yoda's distant cousin, it's time to stop.  You are doing way too much and not enough...all at the same time!

Sincerely,

DRJ

handbag.com/maytheforcebewithyou

Dear North Korea,

I hope these "powerful weapons" you speak of don't rely on a fucking rocket that you put together!  We all know how THAT shit goes.  I think it's best that you stick with what you know best... oppression and starvation of your people.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kim Jong Un-able...

Dear EEOC,

If employer criminal background checks affect minorities disproportionately, then that's probably because they are committing a disproportionate amount of crimes!  If people don't want to get turned down for a job, they should probably stop committing crimes.  Now, there's something that is black and white.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Earlier this year, Pepsico’s Pepsi Beverages unit settled a suit of hiring discrimination related to its criminal background check policies. The company was using arrest records and convictions to deny job applicants positions, but the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission suit charged the practice impacted minority employees disproportionately and as a result was illegal under the nation’s labor laws. REALLY????

Dear Pizza Hut,

Your pizza already induces the mega-squirts.  Was it really necessary to add a hot dog to the crust and offer "mustard drizzle"?  The only thing that will be drizzling after eating this pizza will be our guts.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Bubble-guts...complete with drizzle!

Dear Rick Santorum,

Sarah Palin just called.  She wants to give you pointers on how to make the most of being a loser.

Sincerely,
DRJ


P.S. - The news of your departure makes me feel...well...frothy.

Buh-Bye

Dear Mary J. Blige,

I know you got paid for this...but DAYUM.  Really?  Some things shouldn't be sold...like dignity.  This is a hot ass mess!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Stick a Whopper in it Mary! Good grief!!!

Dear YouTube Cover Artists,

Who knew mediocrity had a sound??!!  Please stop.

Sincerely,
DRJ

www.onedimensional.com/makeitstop

Dear Genius,

If you are going to bitch about your employer, threaten to sue the company, and trash your supervisor, it may be best to do that on a non-company computer.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Clay Aiken,

You're supposed to look BETTER after plastic surgery...not worse!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Before......................After........WTF???

Dear Peachtree City Georgia Residents,

In a land where people seem to have more money than sense, I should remind you that you all are not the masters of the universe.  On a side note...an iPhone 4s should never be used as a teething ring for your future spoiled brat.  I don't care how rich you are.  Please check the sense of entitlement at the golf cart parking lot.  Thanks.

Sincerely,
DRJ

  

Dear Kirk Cameron,

I sure wish your opinions on homosexuality were "Left Behind".  Please stop pretending to be an authority on things you know nothing about.  I think we ALL know the only thing "unnatural"...is your acting.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Kirk should stick to his area of expertise...making awful movies.

Dear Rush Limbaugh,

I happen to understand that you are not sorry.  This is what you do.  Your sponsors are the ones who should be sorry...sorry for advertising on your show to begin with.  Your type of approach is what's hurting this nation.  Some people have abandoned intelligent debate in favor of "Rush-style" insults and rhetoric.  Congratulations on being the catalyst for national ignorance.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Women of Facebook,

Nobody...I repeat...NOBODY wants or needs to read about your period or lack thereof on Facebook.  Please get a clue.  Thanks!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Men Who Have Surgery to be Taller,

You should trying having your plastic surgeon attach some bigger balls instead of having your legs surgically broken and then lengthened in an effort to get a dose of self esteem.  Be serious.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Doing WAY too much...

Dear Rihanna and Chris Brown,

Ya'll are both fucked up in the head.  You make great music together though.  Keep your hands to yourselves at all times and let your respective body guards beat the shit out of each other!

Sincerely,
DRJ

ummm what will Miranda Lambert say now??? LOL

Dear Karmin,

Thank you for giving me the perfect song to dance to while naked and folding laundry!  Much love!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Listen to the single Brokenhearted here!!!

Dear Christian Drivers,

For those of you with the church bumper-stickers, the stupid little fish, and the general obnoxious christian announcements all over your car, save it!  Everyone knows you hate Jesus and that you're an asshole.  We can tell by the way you drive.  

Sincerely,

DRJ

He probably wouldn't drive like a Satan worshiper. 

Dear Karl Lagerfeld,

You have the nerve to criticize Adele and others?  That's hilarious considering you ALWAYS looks like a character in a Tim Burton movie.  The gloves are played out and so is your mind.

You heard it here first.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Why would anyone ask Karl Lagerfeld his opinion on anything? Read about it here...

Dear e-Toilet Multitaskers,

I've sent texts, posted on Facebook, and wrote this blog all from the comfort of my toilet!  Long live the e-toilet warriors!  HAHA!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Interesting article on toilet multitasking!

Dear Bread Winners Driver,

Tailgating other drivers in morning traffic while going 75mph is not a great way to keep your company from having to pay out the ass for you causing an accident.  Moreover, swerving across four lanes of traffic to get one car ahead is not advisable.  I'm not sure if you were delivering breakfast for the restaurant or kidneys to a transplant recipient; but you need to seriously rethink your driving approach.  At the very least, you might try remembering that you are a direct reflection of the company for which you deliver.

Sincerely, 

DRJ

Tuesday Morning: January 31

Bread Winners Management: Please click on the photo shown here to enlarge.

UPDATE:  I was contacted almost immediately after my posting here.  The Vice President of Operations was  kind and apologetic.  She also let me know that they've conveyed the importance of safe driving!  I appreciate the quick and sincere response.  Thank you!
Cake Balls for everyone!  

Dear People Who Are Not Paying Attention,

Just because Facebook says I live in London, does not mean I actually live there.  Please pay attention.

Sincerely,
DRJ

If you wanna be somebody...if you wanna go somewhere...you better wake up and paaaaaaaaaaay attention!

Dear Gov. Jan Brewer,

Stop taking yourself and your bargain bin book so seriously.  For the same $15.00 that your book costs, I could get breakfast, a new ring tone, and a hand job from a toothless transvestite illegal alien who probably crossed the border in your state.  I think that would be a better way to spend fifteen bucks.  You are no different than any other politician.  You said you would lower taxes in your state...instead you raised them.  You said you were concerned about education...but you took the 10 million for education from the federal government and instead spent it on border security.  You are also trying desperately to create the country's largest racial profiling campaign.  I'm thinking it TAKES a scorpion to recognize one.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Queen Scorpion, Gov. Jan Brewer... Read about it here...

Dear Hateful Georgia Republicans,

You lost.  Get over it.  Please stop wasting taxpayer money on "Bitter Betty" lawsuits.  

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ridiculous Georgia Presidential "ballot" lawsuit. Read about it here...

Dear Nicki Minaj,

I love you.  I really do.  If words could kill, Lil' Kim's family would be picking out caskets!  POW!

Sincerely,
DRJ

P.S. - I'm going to start calling people "Bubbles" when they get on my nerves!!!

"How you gon' be the stunt double to the nigga monkey?" LOL See the video here...

Dear Marianne Gingrich,

Your timing is very suspect.  Had you bothered to stop hating on your ex-husband from 1999 until 2012 and instead, started getting regular facials, massages, and counseling, you could have avoided this...

Sincerely,

DRJ

A cautionary tale for the ex's of the world...Read about it here...

Dear Dallas Mavs Twitter,

You're doing too effing much.  Let off the Tweet gas already.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Betty White,

You're amazing, humble, hilarious, inspiring, and loved!  Happy Birthday!
Thank you for making me laugh, even on days when I felt like crying!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Betty White still going strong! Read about it here...