Dear Jail Bitch,

Stop complaining about being shackled while giving birth in the slammer!  You are in jail heifer...not Baylor Medical Center.  Be glad they didn't make you deliver your baby while still wearing the tacky orange jumpsuit.

Sincerely,
DRJ

They call it JAIL for a reason lady! Read about it here...

Dear Amazon.com,

You have me strung out like a desperate crack whore!  Why must you be so addicting???

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear President Obama,

I really do love ya, but you have to give it a rest with these daily campaign emails!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

You should remember... We don't need a drone to destroy your entire military presence.  It won't matter that you have a U.S. drone if you aren't alive to use it.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Gloating is great until you're being scrapped up off the pavement. Read about it here...

Dear Dallas Mavericks,

I don't know what the hell is going on over there in downtown Dallas, but you ALL need to sort your lives out.  What kind of players walk away from a championship team?  What kind of executives let them?  All the fans have seen during this lockout is greed.  You can all do better than what you are showing us right now.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Shameful mess...read all about it here...

Dear Mugger Who Got His ASS Beaten,

This is what you get for spending more time getting lines cut into your hair than you do educating yourself.  Go back to school and learn how to earn a living instead of trying to steal one.  Your first assignment is to look up the definition of "ironic".  Below, is an example to help you define the word.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ironic: A man with the last name Miranda having his Miranda rights read to him.

Dear Donald Trump,

You have the nerve to call people "joke candidates"?  
That's the punch-line calling the joke funny.

Sincerely,
DRJ

   A jackass calling other people donkeys...read all about it here!

Dear Colorado,

Quentin Tarantino called.  He'd like you to give him the plot to his next movie back!  What's with all the meth and sex?

Sincerely,

DRJ

P.S. - You should have Ted Haggard and former Sheriff Patrick Sullivan trade notes.  

Meth and Sex Saga ~ Eclipse - Starring Pastor Ted Haggard

Meth and Sex Saga ~ Breaking Dawn - Starring Sheriff Patrick Sullivan

Dear Readers,

Breaking News - A Dear DRJ Exclusive

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

2:20PM

A fourth accuser has come forward stating that they are currently in a relationship with Republican candidate Herman Cain.  This video was just released to national news organizations moments ago.  Click on the link below to be redirected to the video release as seen on YouTube!

A fourth Herman Cain Accuser speaks out moments ago!!!

Dear Jackson Family,

Releasing old songs with the "Immortal Version" tag does not magically make it a new album by Michael Jackson.   This is a little like serving mashed potatoes from last month on a different set of plates.
Money isn't everything.
You are ruining Michael's legacy.
Please stop.

Sincerely,
DRJ

They should have called this "album" Imitation.

Dear iTunes,

Please sort out your constant software updating.  You are starting to remind me of Microsoft!

Sincerely,
DRJ

This should state: Version (10.5.4.3.2.1.0.99999999.2)

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio,

Please stop telling people that The Great Gatsby is being made in 3D so that people can be "immersed" in the movie.  This is just another way for you and the studio executives to increase profit margin with higher ticket prices for 3D.  

Sincerely,

DRJ

PS: As long as you are trying to charge 3D prices, try giving us something other than a 1D performance.  

I call bullshit!

Dear Oneal Morris,

WHO the HELL told you it was OK to do that to your ass?  There is a bottle of anti-psychotic meds with your name all over it!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Doing WAY too much!

Dear Newlyweds,

I'm thinking that your wedding venue burning to the grown is the least of your worries.  Nancy, you are dressed like Mrs. Santa Claus.  Michael, you look like an insurance salesman.
Please sort out your look.

Sincerely,
DRJ

   Up in smoke..literally and figuratively...

Dear Britney Spears,

When you get bitten by a gay man, it might be time cut the tour short and head home.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Gives a whole new meaning to "bite me"...

Dear Carrie Fisher,

You are WAY too old to have your boobs hanging out like this.  It's time to cover it up Princess.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Galactic Geriatric Boobs!

Dear Albuquerque International Sunport,

For the love of all that is good and kind, please update your carpet!!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Mike McQueary,

This is one time in your life that it's perfectly acceptable to be a quitter.
Get to it!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Canada,

I'm going to request that you ask your people to keep their feet to themselves.

Sincerely,
DRJ

More feet wash up on Canadian shores!!! (insert vomit noises here)

Dear Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar ,

I've scheduled meetings for you both.

Michelle, you have a meeting at 9:45am tomorrow with the Bob Barker.  He'd like to express his wish for you to skip the pets and have yourself spayed.

Jim Bob, you have a 10:45am appointment with Lorena Bobbitt.  I think you know what this meeting is about.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Pictured Above: Michelle & Jim Bob Duggar

MESS!

  

Dear Drake,

The only thing more odd than your face is your apparent need to sound exactly like Lil' Wayne.
Please develop your own sound.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Ehhh...I could have had a V8...

Dear Candice Bergen,

The latest Herman Cain accuser should be sued for stealing your look!  

Sincerely,
DRJ

Candice Bergen knock-off!

Dear Justin Bieber,

Your "duet" with Mariah Carey is the auto-tuned musical equivalent of a drive-by shooting.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Otis Spunkmeyer,

I effing HATE you!  Why are you so damned delicious???

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear FCC and CBS,

It has been 7 years since Janet Jackson's boob made a "touchdown" of it's own.
LET IT GO ALREADY!!!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Pictured above: FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski, Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake

Boob Law Suit Nonsense!

Dear Maury Povich,

Justin Bieber is in desperate need of your services!  

Sincerely,

DRJ

Send in the little Bieber! 

Dear Bank of America,

A wise man once said, "The best way to keep from having to pull your head out of your ass is to never put it there in the first place."

Ok, so, it wasn't a wise man.  It was me.  It's still fabulous advice.

Sincerely,
DRJ

BofA Dropping Planned Debit Card Fee!

Dear Safeway Honolulu,

Nobody who buys $50.00 worth of groceries is going to steal a $5.00 sandwich.  Maybe it's time you stock your shelves with some common sense!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Grocery Stores Gone Wild...

Dear Texas Rangers,

As someone who NEVER watches baseball and knows nothing about the game, I do not appreciate being sucked into watching my first game only to see you lose!  Get your shit together and I will see you in the 9th inning tomorrow damn it!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Herman Cain,

As a candidate for President of the United States of America, you really DO need to know the foreign policy issues that face this nation.  I do have one question for you though... Can you see Russia from your house too?

Sincerely,
DRJ

He said what???

Dear Snow Storm,

Please keep your ass in Amarillo Texas!  Dallas/Ft. Worth wants nothing to do with you!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Lohan Family,

You ALL need to sort out your lives immediately.  Dad, stop talking trash about Lindsay when you are beating the shit out of your "daughter-girlfriend".  Mom, stop trying to BE your daughter!  Lindsay, keep your appointments...and your clothes ON!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Playboy? Really?

People in glass houses...

Dear Grammy Awards,

I will whoop some ASS if Kelly Clarkson does not win a Grammy!  Her new album is monumental!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Drop whatever you are doing and GET THE ALBUM!

Dear TIME Entertainment,

You created a list of the top 100 songs of all time and Mariah Carey is nowhere on that list, but Outkast is?  You are hereby banned from compiling any further lists.  

Sincerely,
DRJ

TIME's bootleg attempt at a top 100 list...

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

You may hack my phone for the super low price of $500,000.00!

Sincerely,
DRJ

News International agrees to pay family in hacking scandal...

Dear Tyra Banks,

You hair didn't fall out because of stress guuurl.  It fell out because you haven't taken one day off from wearing other people's hair.  You're still unbeweaveable though!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Read about Tyra's hair-raising problem!

Dear Teddy Bear Man,

There has never been an occasion, in the history of our planet, where it was acceptable or necessary for a grown man to pose naked with a stuffed animal.  Please sort out your life.

Sincerely,
DRJ

This is proof that a permit should be required in order to own a camera!

Dear Herman Cain Lookalike,

Please stop trying to hit on me.  I don't like the real Herman Cain.  The last thing I want to do is go on a date with someone who looks EXACTLY like him!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Apartment Management,

When the fire alarms are ALWAYS going off because of testing or malfunctions; it makes it impossible to know if there is a TRUE emergency.  Please sort it out.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Two-Faced People,

Why don't you try this:

Say what you mean.  
Mean what you say!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Siri,

Thank you for having a sense of humor with a twist of attitude.  You've made a very long day tolerable!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Siri...giving me a little attitude!

Dear Justin Bieber,

First, you looked like a Disney tween.  Now, you look like a Lesbian.  Your look is moving in the wrong direction.  Please turn the car around now!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Mariah Carey,

It's high time that you get your NOH8 photo done!  Put the babies down for a sec and get to it!

LOVE YOU!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Westin,

Please stop hiring cast members from Hee Haw to book hotel reservations. Thanks!

Sincerely,
DRJ