Dear Safeway Honolulu,

Nobody who buys $50.00 worth of groceries is going to steal a $5.00 sandwich.  Maybe it's time you stock your shelves with some common sense!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Grocery Stores Gone Wild...

Dear Texas Rangers,

As someone who NEVER watches baseball and knows nothing about the game, I do not appreciate being sucked into watching my first game only to see you lose!  Get your shit together and I will see you in the 9th inning tomorrow damn it!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Herman Cain,

As a candidate for President of the United States of America, you really DO need to know the foreign policy issues that face this nation.  I do have one question for you though... Can you see Russia from your house too?

Sincerely,
DRJ

He said what???

Dear Snow Storm,

Please keep your ass in Amarillo Texas!  Dallas/Ft. Worth wants nothing to do with you!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Lohan Family,

You ALL need to sort out your lives immediately.  Dad, stop talking trash about Lindsay when you are beating the shit out of your "daughter-girlfriend".  Mom, stop trying to BE your daughter!  Lindsay, keep your appointments...and your clothes ON!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Playboy? Really?

People in glass houses...

Dear Grammy Awards,

I will whoop some ASS if Kelly Clarkson does not win a Grammy!  Her new album is monumental!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Drop whatever you are doing and GET THE ALBUM!

Dear TIME Entertainment,

You created a list of the top 100 songs of all time and Mariah Carey is nowhere on that list, but Outkast is?  You are hereby banned from compiling any further lists.  

Sincerely,
DRJ

TIME's bootleg attempt at a top 100 list...

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

You may hack my phone for the super low price of $500,000.00!

Sincerely,
DRJ

News International agrees to pay family in hacking scandal...

Dear Tyra Banks,

You hair didn't fall out because of stress guuurl.  It fell out because you haven't taken one day off from wearing other people's hair.  You're still unbeweaveable though!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Read about Tyra's hair-raising problem!

Dear Teddy Bear Man,

There has never been an occasion, in the history of our planet, where it was acceptable or necessary for a grown man to pose naked with a stuffed animal.  Please sort out your life.

Sincerely,
DRJ

This is proof that a permit should be required in order to own a camera!

Dear Herman Cain Lookalike,

Please stop trying to hit on me.  I don't like the real Herman Cain.  The last thing I want to do is go on a date with someone who looks EXACTLY like him!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Apartment Management,

When the fire alarms are ALWAYS going off because of testing or malfunctions; it makes it impossible to know if there is a TRUE emergency.  Please sort it out.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Two-Faced People,

Why don't you try this:

Say what you mean.  
Mean what you say!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Siri,

Thank you for having a sense of humor with a twist of attitude.  You've made a very long day tolerable!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Siri...giving me a little attitude!

Dear Justin Bieber,

First, you looked like a Disney tween.  Now, you look like a Lesbian.  Your look is moving in the wrong direction.  Please turn the car around now!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Mariah Carey,

It's high time that you get your NOH8 photo done!  Put the babies down for a sec and get to it!

LOVE YOU!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Westin,

Please stop hiring cast members from Hee Haw to book hotel reservations. Thanks!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Chris Evans,

Congratulations!  You have been pre-approved to be David Ross Jackson's domestic partner for life.  Please visit
 www.facebook.com/davidrossjackson for full details!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear David Guetta,

Please get a hair cut.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Bank of America,

WE bailed YOU out.  Now you want us to give you MORE money?  You and all the other greedy banks have a right to kiss our collective ASS!

Sincerely,
DRJ

BofA chief: We have a 'right to make a profit'

Dear Steve Jobs,

Thank you for my iPod and the many other things you've given us all!  You will be missed.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Sarah Palin,

Thank you.

Sincerely,
DRJ

"I will not be seeking 2012 GOP nomination for president of the United states."

Dear Samsung & Apple,

Get a room already!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Samsung to file injunction against Apple for iPhone 4S

Dear Sprint,

Miss Gupta is THE worst person in the known universe to be trying to sell new iPhones over the phone.  Please fire her immediately...rehire her...and fire her all over again.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Effing Dog,

Please shut the hell up!  You don't have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to understand that your owner leaves you home EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Incessant barking will not make them come back.  Please go chew on the sofa and give it a rest already.

Sincerely,
DRJ  (Arf Arf Grrrr)