Dear DRJ,

Please remember to purchase toilet paper this weekend!  I wouldn't want you to be forced to use old rags or coffee filters.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Nancy Grace's Boob,

Congratulations on being the only thing on the planet that could momentarily make Nancy Grace shut the hell up. I see big things in your future!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear David Ross Jackson,

Please stop pretending that you are infinitely wealthy and kindly remember to submit your time sheet so that you can get paid!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Diana Nyad,

What the hell is the point of swimming from Cuba to Florida?  You are 62 years old!  It's time to sit your ass down and enjoy the Metamucil; and if my hunch is correct...a date with your Lesbian life partner.  Just sayin'.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Pointless Swim

Dear Roadkill Raccoon,

Like a comet...blazing across the evening sky...gone too soon!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Gone Too Soon - by MJ

Dear Pakistan,

With allies like you, who needs enemies?

Sincerely,
DRJ

Bootleg Ally Warns U.S.

Dear President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

The Navy Seals just called.  I'm supposed to tell you that "you're next". 

Sincerely, 

DRJmadinehad 

United Nations Rant

Dear Ted Haggard,

We really aren't interested in anything that you want to swap...

wives...
churches...
"massages"...
meth...
blow jobs...
none of it.  

Please stop the madness!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Wife Swap Nonsense

Ted Haggard - Queen of Denial by David Ross Jackson

Dear CNN,

Please stop using iReporters as a substitute for real ones.  The economy is not THAT bad.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Bootleg Bootcamp for "Reporters"

Dear TSA,

Fewer people get felt up at the local gay bars here in Dallas.  Please stop harassing children, the disabled, the elderly, and those who have good hair.  

Sincerely,

DRJ

TSA Afro Search

Dear World,

Here is proof that a nice penis combined with the smell of Gain can be too much for one person to cope with.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Bank Account,

Please forgive me for treating you like a booty call...only messing with you when I want something.
I really do appreciate you!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Jennifer Lopez,

Congratulations on creating what looks like a 5 minute commercial.

Title for your next perfume...

Sellout   

Title for your next album...

Product Placement

Sincerely,
DRJ

5 Minutes You'll Never Get Back

Dear Russia,

I see you!  I love you!  Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Autumn,

I hope you've come to kick Summer in the nuts for treating Texas like a microwave dinner!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Love,

Please go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Caribbean Airlines,

Maybe you think you get a pass for having to do your JOB due to your planes falling apart on runways; but I'm here to tell you...YOU STILL HAVE TO WORK. That is all.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Work Day,

Give it a rest already!  You are giving me anal cancer.  

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Throwing Bricks at Sluts,

Thank you for making me laugh from my anus today!  I love your page!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Throwing Bricks at Sluts - on Facebook!

Dear Pat Robertson,

Only someone who HAS Alzheimer's would say that it's OK to divorce someone with Alzheimer's because it's a "kind of death".  I'm pretty sure there is only one kind of death...the kind where you don't continuously put your foot in your mouth. 


Sincerely, 
DRJ

Read All About It Here

Dear Google Chrome,

Why do you keep telling me the page I'm looking at is in Spanish. It is clearly English and you clearly have a drinking problem. Sort out your life.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Beyonce,

It's a baby...not your latest line of clothing. Please visit the following website for more details.

www.notclassy.com/youaredoingtoomuch

(not an actual site...but it should be)

Sincerely, 
DRJ

Dear Apartment Complex,

Because you like to send people every month for inspections, please be advised that I will be answering the door naked from this day forward. You may avoid this special moment in time by staying the hell out of my apartment.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Tony Horton,

I am going to request that the P90X camera men be in good shape too!  If I can do it, so can they!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Moammar Gadhafi,

You don't just MOVE a capital. Libya is NOT a trailer park. Sort out your life.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Airlines,

What the hell is the point of removing people for saggy pants only to let them take the very next flight with THE SAME SAGGY PANTS. Stick to air travel and not fashion policing.

Sincerely,
DRJ

Dear Mom,

I am upset at this throat-clearing shit you genetically passed down to me, Sherry, Christy, and Charles. I swear... I am going to a doctor to get to the bottom of this mess! I still love you though. :-) 

Sincerely,
Your Throat-Clearing Son DRJ

Dear Monica,

Please stop it!  This is 3mins 41secs that I'll never get back!

Sincerely,
DRJ

Anything (To Find You) on Vevo

Dear Hugh Laurie,

Please stick to acting and leave the singing to those who...well...can sing.

Sincerely,

DRJ

P.S. - Since they don't allow bombs on airplanes, please leave your new album at the house.
Thanks.

Dear Avril Lavigne,

It's called Zoom Whitening. Google it.

Thanks,
DRJ